I said to someone recently that this death thing was getting tiresome. This Saturday I will be attending my 8th funeral or memorial service so far this year. I can't remember how many of them I have led. And it barely the middle of April.
I think what makes this year particularly difficult is that I have known the vast majority of those we have laid to rest. They have either been neighbours, or relations of neighbours or people I have worked with. The memorial service on Saturday is for a member of the Bluewater Chaplaincy team. Previous to this the last proper funeral I attended was for the husband of one the Bluewater Chaplains. Only one of the funerals/memorial services have been for strangers, though inevitably there is a bond formed with the family members in the preparation.
It has become very hard to find the joy in anything at the moment. I'm thinking how can I be happy when those are around me are sporting the wounds of grief? Personally I think that sort of thinking is very self indulgent and particularly self centred. However there is a part of me that recognises that I am grieving as much as the others. In my own little way I need to reconcile myself to the fact that these people are no longer with us.
I was really angry the other day. I was at theological college when an intense wave of grief washed over me. In the midst of the tears I sat there thinking that the anger was simply one of the stages of grief and how good I was that I had recognised this. That made even more angry because I realised that I turned the whole event into something that was about me.
As I think about the last week and everything over the last few months and I have come to the point where I want to disagree with Paul. He quotes a hymn in 1Corinthians: 'O Death, where is your sting? O Death where is your victory' (1 Corinthians 15: 55).
While Jesus has conquered sin and death, they are still part of our lives and they have a nasty habit of inflicting their defeat on those left behind. I know that for some of those I laid to rest, their future is secure in the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.and for them I rejoice through the difficulty of grief. But I see the pain and suffering from those left behind and I begin to understand why his death and resurrection were important. Because one day there will be no tears and pain, no shame or guilt. Only the blessed joy of being in the presence of the Almighty.
I want the pain and grief to go for everyone and only the joy and the memories to remain. I'm going to have to wait a little longer for that. In the meantime I will continue to struggle with the loss of my friends and those who knew them because death and sin aren't quite finished with us yet. Like the martyrs of old, we keep on, holding fast because even though we are the midst of the hurricane that is grief, we will see daylight and the words of Jesus will ring true: "I am with you even to the end of the age"
Amen
